Attack of the Horribly-Written Fanfic!
by LizzyLovesPink
Summary: The Hetalia characters get kidnapped by an immature, obsessive fangirl who forces them to listen to a story she wrote about them that's extremely OOC. Even though they offer her advice, she ignores it and substitutes her own racist logic. There seems to be more to this girl than a crazy fan though...I obviously don't own Hetalia. Rated for language and rape/sex jokes.


A majority of the countries had been kidnapped mysteriously in the night, all in different ways. Some got gassed, some got knocked out, some got drugged, and yet others were simply stuffed into a sack. However, the only thing in common was the room they all ended up in. Once everyone came to their senses, they looked around and found themselves in assumingly a teenage girl's room, as everything was pink, lacy, and fluffy. Numerous anime posters littered the walls, and Vocaloid figurines were placed clumsily on her computer desk. But where was the girl? Alfred was the first to stand. "I can imagine everyone's panic and confusion right now, but I'm sure there is a logical explanation for what is going on right now." The American stated calmly. Of course this surprised no-one, as America knew exactly when it was time to be serious and think. Francis was the next to stand.

"Yes, we must figure out who kidnapped us and why we're here." Before anyone else could stand, however, the pink door swung open, and there stood a horrifying sight. It was the girl, possibly the owner of the room, with a big grin on her too-perfectly clear, white face. She gracefully lept over the pile of countries and cleared them all in one jump and sat in her pink fluffy computer chair.

"I'm sure you're wondering why I kidnapped you all, yes, it was I!" She laughed haughtily. "I'm writing a fanfic about you guys, but I'm worried I didn't quite get your personalities right. May I read it to you and you guys can correct any errors?" She sweetly asked. The countries all looked at one another, then nodded.

"What's the harm in a simple little story?" Elizabeta wondered. And so, the girl begun her tale.

"'Once upon a time in Hetalia-Land, there lived a loud, obnoxious guy named America! He decided to visit his best friend, Britain! So along he went, shoving a whole hamburger into his mouth every second! Not just any hamburger either, but a Big Mac from his favorite restaurant, McDonald's!'" Alfred raised his hand at this. "Yes?"

"While it's true I do love McDonald's, it's not the ONLY thing I eat! I have to eat healthy things too, plus if you eat one food too long, you start to get sick of it!Also, nobody can eat like that, it's illogical!" He finished. The girl glared at him.

"But you're an American! Therefore, you eat a ton! That's not a mistake! Now, let's continue! 'He soon knocked on Britain's door. "Oh Britain! I'm here to have sex with you!" He called. Britain threw open the door so hard it almost fell off its hinges! 'Go the fuck away, you bloody fucking wanker! Can't you see I fucking hate you, you goddamn fucking stupid wanker bitch!" He screamed at poor America. 'But Britain, I only wanted to have hot sex with you!' 'Never, now bloody leave!' America left, his heart broken. 'That stupid Britain, oh well, France will rape him tonight anyway!" And so he went on his way.'" Both Arthur and Francis raised their hands at this. "Hmmmm?"

"What the hell? I know I'm quite irritable, but if America came over, I'd greet him and ask how he's been! We ARE friends, you know." He injected. The girl flipped a strand of her perfectly straight, to the floor rainbow-colored hair.

"But he surely gets on your nerves!"

"Yes, but I'm still civil!"

"Also, what's that bit about me raping England? I am quite flirty, but rape is out of the question! True love is not forced love!" Francis stated angrily.

"Well, you're super creepy, so that equals rapist!" The girl decided.

"What? But you make absolutely no sense!" A certain Belgian woman piped up.

"So? It's my story and I do what I want! Now, this part is all about Eastern Europe, so can those countries come to the front?" The girl asked, and they slowly complied.

"How bad could she stereotype us? I'm sure ours will be just fine." Natayla said.

"'So it was another quiet, peaceful, uneventful day at Russia's house...or was it! The Baltics were up to their usual antics of hiding from their Sir Russia because they still lived with him.'" Here the three started whispering, but they figured it was nothing.

"Oh Baltics! Where are you three? I must engage in my daily routine of raping and beating you senseless, da!" Russia called out happily, swinging his pipe. The two decided that Latvia was the weakest, so they pushed him out of hiding, right into Russia's path. "Ah, it is my precious Latvia, da! Too bad you're not Lithuania, he actually puts up a fight while I rape him, da!" This was too much for poor little Latvia, so he fainted right on the spot. He caught the other two trying to sneak out the window, so he pulled them back in. "Oh Lithuania, don't think you can get away from me so easily, da!~" He roughly started kissing him until he heard a horrifying, terrifying voice.

'Oh Brother Russia!~' Came the voice. Russia tossed Lithuania aside, struggling to jump out the window himself, finding out too late that his sister was right under said window, knife in hand. 'Time to strip you and force you into marriage!' Russia screamed.

'No, please, spare me Belarus!'" Natalya was quick to stand.

"What the literal fuck?! I'll admit I rely on Russia a ton, but we can have normal conversations too! You obviously don't know that!" She stated harshly.

"What about OUR interpretations? Latvia isn't some spineless crybaby, he's actually quite fierce! He once stabbed Sealand with a rose!" Estonia stood up.

"Russia never once beat OR raped anyone in his house! In fact, he took relatively good care of us! You're just a sick girl!" Toris snapped. The girl yawned.

"What about those scars on your back? Obviously caused by him." Toris uncomfortably tugged at his shirt and blushed, sitting back down. "That's what I thought. Now, let's continue."

"'B-Belarus! At least do it gently!' Russia pleaded, but to no avail. Luckily, his big sister Ukraine showed up with a large picnic basket. This made Belarus quickly run back into the house.

'Oh, Russia~! Look what I brought, farm-fresh milk! And eggs! It's all so healthy for you! Oh, but my boss said I can't bring you things! I'm so sorry!' She burst into tears, running off. 'I'm sorry, please forgive me!'" The Ukrainian woman in question raised her hand.

"Yes?" The girl asked, sighing. Her one green eye and one pink eye showed that her annoyance was slowly building.

"I'm not like that at all! My boss actually cares less now! In fact, it's RUSSIA'S boss who's trying to keep me relying on him, it's not my boss forbidding it. Also, I hardly cry over random things! You clearly don't know who you're writing about." She scolded.

"You guys are mad now, just wait. I'm sure it gets worse." Feliks warned.

"With Russia distracted, Lithuania took this opportunity to call his best friend forever, the totally fabulous Poland!"

"We're not friends anymore." Lithuania whispered.

"'Hi Poland, how are you?' He asked. "Are you hurt? Sick? Did you eat a healthy breakfast? Are you prepared for an attack? Is your house sturdy? Should I come over? Can I? I'm coming over! Worry. Worry. Worry.'

'Haha, like totally cheer up Liet! You, like, totally worry sooo much! That's, like, so totally not good for your skin Liet! I'm totally fine. I, like, totally got this super short, lacy, frilly, see-through, bright, shock-your-eyes -out pink sundress! You should, like, totally look at it Liet! I also got the sexiest lingerie to totally wear under it! You're, like, sooo totally in for a treat tonight, Liet!'" The actual Poland had collapsed into Hungary's lap, his eyes spinning.

"So...much...valley-girl...speak! Like, who even talks that way anymore? That trend totally died out." He pulled himself back up quite easily.

"Hungary, meanwhile, was listening to Austria's piano-playing, since that was the only thing he was good at. The two were having a lot of fun, when suddenly, oh no! A Wild Prussia appeared! He snuck up behind her and started aggressively groping her because he's a member of the Bad Touch Trio! But then, Hungary pulled out her frying pan and smacked him into oblivion, conveniently also right on top of Austria, which was her true intention! She used her France whistle to call France, then shoved him onto the pile too! She whipped out her camera, unable to contain herself any longer." Elizabeta's hand shot up, only to be instantly ignored. "We just have too much characters to get through! Maybe next time." The Hungarian woman stood up anyway.

"Hey, you called us all here to critique your story about us, but you don't even listen to us!" She yelled.

"What do you know? You're a woman! You stole my Prussia away from me! Belarus did that too with my Russia!" The girl screamed, then quickly covered her mouth. "I mean, let's move on, shall we?"

"Guys, I think I know what this girl truly is. I'm just hoping I'm wrong." Alfred stated grimly.

"This next part is about Switzerland and his sister!" She smiled sweetly. Vash seemed to heave a sigh of relief.

"Finally, someone she can't mess up." Liechtenstein glanced up at him.

"I think you might be wrong, Big Brother. After all, Belarus was wrong about the Slavic part!" She looked away.

"Liechtenstein was out picking flowers in the green valleys of the Swiss Alps, a lot like Heidi did."

"She knows what Heidi is?" Someone in the back whispered doubtfully.

"It was a calm, serene, peaceful morning, with the goats baaing all around her. Suddenly, her Big Brother Switzerland walked up to her, clearly steamed about something. 'Oh, Big Brother! You look mad, but what could possibly be wrong on this beautiful perfect day?'

'You know why I'm mad! You went out all alone last night, without my permission!' He snapped.

'Oh, but Big Brother, I wasn't alone! Why, Latvia was with me! In fact, it was a date!' At this, Switzerland took out his gun.

'A DATE?! WITHOUT MY PERMISSION?!' He pointed his gun at her.

'Don't shoot me! I truly am sorry, Big Brother!' The young girl cried and cried, but to no prevail. Switzerland shot her straight in the heart, so she puked up blood for a long time before dying. And so, Switzerland went on his way again, to find Latvia and do the same to him."

"What the hell?!" Vash angrily stood up. "That is sick, evil, cruel, twisted, and demented! You don't need advice, you need a psychiatrist!" Liechtenstein clapped.

"You tell her, Big Brother!" The girl angrily stood up at this.

"I had to kill her, otherwise, she would've stolen you too!" She cried, but quickly collected herself and sat back down. "Now this part is about the Asian countries! Can they please step forward?"

"Oh, I'm scared about how she might portray us! What if she kills me?" A cute Taiwanese girl worried.

"Nonsense, she'll do just fine! After all, EVERYONE loves us!" An energetic South Korean boy announced.

"I love your energy! Now, let's get to reading!" And so, she began once again.

"The Asian countries were all visiting their old mentor, China. China had planned a fun day for them, although some of the activities were a bit...childish. 'Are you all EXCITED, aru?~ I know I am! This is going to be so much fun, aru!~ What shall we do first, aru?~'

'China, these games are for kids.' Hong Kong said.

'Yeah, but I INVENTED kids! Da ze!~' South Korea cheered, promptly sneaking up behind Taiwan and flipping it up, causing her to scream.

'Shame on you, South Korea. Come lil' sis, I'll fuck you to cheer you up.' Japan pulled her into his arms.

'Oh Japan-kun!' Taiwan cooed.

'No way, I'm first!' South Korea pulled her away, but so did China and Hong Kong.

'Boys, boys, why can't I do you all at the same time?' Taiwan giggled, and the boys agreed, roughly pulling her clothes off." Taiwan stood up in a fiery huff.

"What the literal fucking fuck?! So European boys are all yours, but you're totally okay with me being a slutty doll?" She screeched. The girl thought for a second.

"Oh, you're right! Great idea, Taiwan! I'll just knock you out, thus putting you in a coma! Then it'll be me who takes your place!" She laughed. "Speaking of boys, we're not even at the best part yet!"

"No lady, you will stop writing this horrid story right now!" America commanded.

"You're not the boss of me!" She pointed a finger at him and turned him into stone.

"Whoa, wait, why do you have MAGIC?" Arthur asked in disbelief.

"Because I'm special! Besides, we're almost at the end anyway."

"Thank goodness." Ravis sighed.

"Italy went to visit his best friend in the whole entire world, Germany-kun! Actually, he wasn't going for a visit,he was going to ask Germany for some help dealing with a horrible, scary kitten! He loudly banged on his d00r, screaming: 'DOITSU!~~~~ DOITSU!~~~~ DOITSU!~~~~ VE VE VE!~~~' Germany opened his door.

'ITALIA! Can't you deal with your problems yourself?!' He snarled.

'B-but Doitsu ve, it's a huge, horrible, scary monster! It probably followed me here!' He jumped into Doitsu's arms, crying and shaking. Sure enough, that cat DID follow him there, but she only wanted to be petted.

'Is this the horrible monster?' Doitsu sighed. The cat meowed happily, causing Italy to faint. Doitsu sighed once more and shooed the cat away by throwing a fish into the distance. 'Wake up, wake up Italia!' He shook Italy awake, the latter instantly rewarded the former with a fierce make-out session. And then they fucked on the pavement, right out in the open, and their sheer awesome love-making made the rest of the world have an orgasm!And they all lived happily ever after!" The girl finished proudly.

"Do I even have to tell you what's wrong with that story?!" Ivan stated, and everyone else agreed.

"Half of us aren't even in it!" Monaco announced.

"That's because I only wrote about that characters I like, everyone else is too hard to write!" The girl whined.

"I'm not that hard at all!" Seychelles said. The girl's head quickly snapped over to where the island nation's voice came from in a way that almost looked demonic.

"YOU!" The girl jumped out of her chair,glaring evilly. "I hate all of the girls, but I have a very special hate for you!"

"Huh? Me? Why?" Seychelles stated in surprise.

"You get all of the men!"

"I do not! YOU do! I think you only put the girls in this story so they could represent you!" The girl waved her hand and turned Seychelles into stone too.

"Anyone else wanna challenge me?" The girl asked.

"Wait, I figured it out! This isn't a girl at all, but a monster!" The Romanian in the group announced. He grabbed Toris' Catholic rosary and pointed it at the girl. "Reveal your true form!" The girl screamed in agony.

"No, religion! I don't know what that is!" She was engulfed by a flashing light, which quickly faded away to reveal her true form

"It's so ugly!" Tino cried. The girl's skin was whiter than white bread and had no spots or blemishes; it was truly perfect. She had no waist, perfect EE-cups, and super thin arms and legs. She had one green eye and one pink eye, and her hair was seven-feet long and was in all colors of the rainbow. She was about six five in terms of height, and her clothes instantly revealed her personalty. She had on black buckled combat boots, knee-high white and black striped stockings, a super short plaid micromini that was blood red, a studded black belt with a skull buckle, a bright white tube top, a bunch of silver cross necklaces, a brown sharp choker, silver rings on all fingers, and a black furry hoodie with bear ears on it. The blood red skirt revealed she had black lacy lingerie on under it. She haughtily laughed again.

"Haha, you finally revealed my true form! I'm really Ashley Elizabeth Laura Sakura Victoria Kayla Jessica Rose Kirkland-Jones! But you might know me by my country name, Nigeria!" She kept laughing.

"How horrible, she's so innaccurate!" Taiwan cried.

"Kirkland-Jones?" France wondered.

"Now I'm going to turn the rest of you into horribly inaccurate stereotypes using my stories,and there's nothing you can do to stop me!"

"I know how to defeat this beast!" Hungary announced. "Ask her questions about the county, soon she'll run out of stupid answers and go back to the place people like her reside."

"Why do you have magic?" England asked.

"Because I'm your daughter!" Nigeria laughed.

"What's your personalty like?" Belarus piped up.

"I'm depressed all of the time because my biological father, France, always molested me as a child, so Britain took me to America's! I always cut myself and kill people because I'm bipolar! But it's okay, because the guy countries always comfort me by fucking my brains out! I've slept with all of Western Europe and most of Eastern Europe! I'm just a slut like that!" She flipped her hair. "Also, everyone I sleep with also is secretly in love with me!"

"What languages do you speak?" Tino asked.

"Uh, English, French, Japanese, Italian, and German!" She grinned, showing off her perfectly-straightened, white teeth.

"What do you produce and export?" Belgium smiled her usual cat smile.

"Uhhhh, diamonds?" She shrunk down in size slightly.

"What is your nation's wonderful history?" Lithuania smiled slyly.

"Uh..." Nigeria was visibly nervous at this. "I was raised by France and England, but France always groped me, so Britain took me to America's and they raised me. I always trusted America, but I found out he only wanted my diamonds! In fact, everyone only want my diamonds! I'm always abused so it makes me a useless crybaby who always needs a man by her side!" She was now about four eight in height.

"What's your nation's dish?" France asked.

"Uhhhhh...pizza?" The spell broke, freeing both America and Seychelles from their stone prisons.

"No, my spell!" Nigeria cried.

"What's your religion?" Monaco called.

"Haha, what's religion?" By now she was only four foot six. "No, you will never beat me!"

"Now be gone, demon, and never bother us again!" Romania pointed Lithuania's rosary at her again, causing her to hiss viciously and vanish.

"Amazing! But how did you know how to do that, Hungary?" Liechtenstein sweetly asked.

"I've encountered my fair share of fangirls." Hungary smiled.

"Where did she go, though?" America asked in confusion.

"Where all fangirls like her live. DeviantART." Hungary giggled.

"Come on, it's late and I'm sure everyone's tired, so how about we all go home?" Alfred suggested, and everyone instantly agreed. And so to home they went, leaving the demonic girl's room behind. The only sign she ever existed was a single silver skull ring, left in the center of her rug.


End file.
